


sister margaret's school for wayward spiders

by Ocearna



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Identity Reveal, Peter is a Little Shit, Wade talks too much, crack?? idek
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-06
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:35:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27912382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ocearna/pseuds/Ocearna
Summary: Wade talks a lot, okay, and half the time he’s not entirely sure what he’s saying until the words come out of his mouth. Or until someone else points out he’s talking out loud. It’s inevitable that over their many years of partnership that Spider-Man would pick up a thing or two about the parts of the underground that Deadpool frequents. Which is to say that Spidey maybe knows a little too much about how mercenaries operate, particularly in New York.Spidey has also developed this habit of kissing Deadpool on the cheek occasionally. And is a little shit.Weasel just wants the idiots out of his bar.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 73





	sister margaret's school for wayward spiders

**Author's Note:**

> ahahaha I should be updating road to hell or overcast but instead... yep. fair warning: not beta'd, barely edited, any mistakes are my own. I may one day write a sequel - there's more in my outline - but I kind of like how this ended, so we'll see.
> 
> also, at this point, I have no idea what versions I'm basing characterisations on. I read some comics a long time ago, watched movies more recently, read lots of fic recently. -shrug-

_[Yellow]_

**[White]**

* * *

Wade talks _a lot_ , okay, and half the time he’s not entirely sure what he’s saying until the words come out of his mouth. Or until someone else points out he’s talking out loud. It’s inevitable that over their many years of partnership - for patrols, stupid, not anything fun! Or, well, more fun, but _anyway_ \- that Spider-Man would pick up a thing or two about the parts of the underground that Deadpool frequents.

Which is to say that Spidey maybe knows a little too much about how mercenaries operate, particularly in New York.

“So there’s Weasel, death staring me as if he’ll get Superman’s laser vision if he just tries hard enough, while this whole brawl is raging around us--”

“Isn’t Weasel the one who owns that merc bar, Hellhouse or whatever? The one that has brawls like every other day?” Spidey interrupted, idly tapping a finger against his leg where it hung over the side of the building they were both sitting on. As was usual for them on a Tuesday night, they had just finished their pre-midnight patrol and taco dinner, and they were killing some time until a scream or alarm pulled them away to their post-midnight patrol. 

Wade flapped a hand uncaringly. “Yeah, but this was a _brawl_ , y’know? People were in legit danger of dying. Especially considering some of the big guns who were there that night. Anyway, Weas is glaring at me as if it was _my_ fault which, _pshh_ \--”

As Deadpool continued telling the story, he noticed Spider-Man’s thoughtful expression (at least, he thought it was thoughtful, the mask just makes it a little difficult to tell okay!) but ignored it. Spidey gets caught up in deep thoughts a lot, and Deadpool is used to just rambling through it.

**[Spoiler: he regrets that later. At least for a bit.]**

_[Hey, don’t tell the readers that! Show not tell, remember?]_

* * *

Some time later, after he and Spidey stopped a bank heist and Wade did a particularly good job of managing not to hurt anyone bar some bruises and maybe a concussion, Wade's mouth ran off on him again.

**[Though this time it ended pretty well.]**

_[Shhh!]_

“I did good, didn’t I, Spidey?” Deadpool asked, wriggling with happiness where he sat on the edge of a building next to Spider-Man. “I didn’t un-alive or maim anyone, or slice anyone, or even really hit anyone that hard except that one guy but he deserved it for almost shooting the nice bank lady so really--”

Spider-Man huffed out a small laugh, leaning over to bump his shoulder against Deadpool’s. “Yeah, you did good, ‘Pool. What, you want a prize or something?”

“ _Oooh,_ ” Deadpool squealed. “Yes! I didn’t know there was a prize on the line but _yes_ , O.M.G., that would be _amazing!_ Oh, but what to ask for?” Wade started muttering to himself, ticking off ideas on his fingers as he went. “I could ask for tacos, but we do that all the time. Hm, pizza? Nah, we do that too and it’s not as good as tacos anyway. Piggyback web-slinging? I mean, it’s awesome but we do that fairly often too. Hmm…”

_[Ask for a kiss.]_

“A kiss? I mean--”

“Wait, what?” Spider-Man asked, startled. He turned to face Deadpool, and the eyes of his mask were massive. “You want a kiss?”

Wade had to take a second to realise he had responded to the yellow box out loud. Then he panicked. “Ahahaha, no, ignore that!” he yelled, his arms flailing madly as he tried to deny it. “Yellow was just joking around--”

_[No I wasn’t.]_

“-- and I was just responding and nope, that’s definitely not something we want. I mean, come on, why would anyone want to kiss me anyway? It was just a joke, ignore that, tacos would be great--”

It took Wade a second to register the pressure against his cheek, and by then it was gone. Spider-Man had somehow ducked his flailing limbs and pressed his masked lips to Deadpool’s cheek in an extremely cute kiss, then moved back away just as fast.

Wade's head turned glacially slowly to stare at Spider-Man, one hand slowly raising to press against his cheek. Spidey’s eyes were still wide, and he was wringing his hands nervously.

_[Did he surprise himself or something?]_

**[He IS the kind to act without thinking…]**

Suddenly Spider-Man jumped to his feet, eyes flickering over the nearby buildings - planning his route, as Deadpool had realised a while back. “Well done, ‘Pool,” Spider-Man muttered, his voice a little higher-pitched than usual. “See you.” And then he dived over the edge of the building, quickly swinging away and disappearing from view.

Wade just continued to sit there, his hand pressed to his cheek and his brain playing the last few seconds on repeat. 

_[Spider-Man… kissed us?_ ]

**[Yes, keep up.]**

_[Spider-Man KISSED US.]_

**[Yes.]**

_[SPIDER-MAN. KISSED US.]_

**[Ugh. This is going to be like when Spider-Man first agreed to team up, isn’t it?]**

_[Of course, the best part is that it became A Thing, where Spider-Man would kiss Wade on the cheek whenever he did particularly good, and then sometimes as hello or goodbye. Wade became insufferable.]_

**[Oh, so now we can spoil the readers?]**

_[That’s all going to happen offscreen, so it’s not exactly spoiling them, is it? Besides, it’s important for the next part.]_

* * *

“Hey dipshit, you been telling civilians about my bar?”

Wade pulled his phone away from his ear for a second, staring at it blankly. Then he lifted it back to his ear. “Why hello Weasel, nice to hear from you too, glad to know you’re doing okay. I’ve been good, just the usual patrolling with Spidey and killing time during the day researching the bad guys he’s been going after--”

“Cut the shit, Wade,” Weasel responded. “There was some twink in the bar tonight, looked too innocent to be there but he said he knew you. Only ordered a Coke, and just hung out for a couple hours before leaving. You know anything?”

_[A twink? Do we even know any twinks?]_

**[There was that one kid we warned off last week--]**

_[He shouldn’t know about the Hellhouse though.]_

Wade wracked his brain, trying to think of someone who fit. But no one he knew in the business fit that description, and none of his marks should know about the bar. So, “No idea Weasel. You didn’t get a name?”

“Didn’t get _anything_. Brat looked naive but he refused to answer most of my questions, and he was wearing baggy clothes with a hood so I didn’t get a good look at his build either. Young face, brown hair, hazel eyes, not quite six foot tall. And he said he knew you. That’s all I got.” Wade could hear the frustration in Weasel’s voice - the man traded in information, so naturally, he got annoyed when he didn’t know something.

“Doesn’t ring a bell, sorry Weas,” Wade replied. “I’ll let you know if I think of something though.”

“Great.” Weasel huffed. “I’ll call you if he turns up again. Maybe seeing him will jog your memory.”

* * *

Wade received that call three days later. Or rather, he received a text that said:

_get your ass here. your twink appeared again._

* * *

“Weasel, why the fuck did you call him my twink?”

Deadpool - dressed in full superhero outfit just in case - beelined for the bar as soon as he entered the Hellhouse, glancing around the room in a way that wasn’t even trying to be surreptitious. As usual, there were quite a few people in hoods though so he couldn’t immediately figure out who might be the idiot Weasel had called him here to identify. 

“Because Bob tried to pick a fight earlier and said twink used your name to scare him off, so now he’s officially _your_ twink,” Weasel muttered, glaring at Wade from the other side of the bar and mechanically wiping a cup with a rag that was probably dirtier than the cup had ever been. “He’s over there,” Weasel jerked his head to the other end of the bar where the shadows were deepest. “Either kick him out or take him home before he starts a brawl. Bob is still eyeing him like he wants to bash the kid’s face in and I don’t want to deal with blood tonight."

Wade sighed and started towards the other end of the bar. “I want a shot of your best whiskey if he turns out to be some evil killer kid out for my head!”

“Fuck off,” Weasel replied, watching Deadpool’s progress from where he stood. “If he kills you, _I’ll_ be using my dead pool winnings to drink my own best whiskey.”

Absently flipping Weasel the bird, Wade focused on the figure at the end of the bar as he got closer. They didn’t seem to be paying attention to him or anyone else, just sitting there playing with their glass of Coke by tipping it back and forth. Wade couldn’t see any weapons on them, but their clothes were just as baggy as Weasel had said, so they could easily have any number of things concealed. And of course, the glass could become a makeshift weapon in a second if need be.

Deciding to play nice since the kid had said he knew Deadpool, Wade hid his caution behind a smile and a bright voice. He walked up beside the kid, turning at the last second so he could lean over them and sling an arm around their shoulders.

“Hey kid! Weasel said you said you know me - which, wow, that’s a mouthful. But--”

Wade cut himself off when the there-and-gone pressure against his cheek registered.

**[Oh no, here we go again.]**

“Hey ‘Pool,” the kid muttered, mischievous hazel eyes looking up at him from under the hood and the fringe of brown hair. “I wondered how long it would take you to appear.”

_[Is that--]_

**[Yes.]**

_[But how--]_

**[We talk about Sister Margaret’s pretty often you know. It wouldn’t take a genius to figure out how to find it.]**

_[But that’s--]_

**[We can worry about why Spidey is here in a minute. First: stop just staring at him like a freak!]**

“Spi--” Wade bit his tongue to cut himself off, realising belatedly that using the superhero’s name in a mercenary bar would be a phenomenally bad idea. He mentally flailed for a moment before settling on-- “Baby boy! What-- What are you doing here!?”

Spider-Man - _holy shit we’re seeing Spider-Man’s face!!!_ \- just grinned up at Deadpool, still idly playing with his drink. “ _Weeeeell_ , I was trying to find someone and I remembered what you’d told me about this place and thought it sounded like exactly the kind of place the guy would hang out at. So here I am.”

“You’re… tracking someone?”

“Yeah,” Spider-Man replied, his expression becoming more serious and his gaze shifting to his drink. “An enforcer linked to a drug cartel that I’ve been investigating. Apparently, he knows some secrets I want in on.”

Wade just stared, his brain still rebooting. “So you came here?”

“Seemed as good as anywhere else to look for him,” Spider-Man replied with a shrug. Then he looked up at Deadpool with a frown and worry in his eyes. “Is that not okay? You’ve talked about this place so much, I figured you wouldn’t mind me dropping by but if you do--”

“No!” Wade yelled, then hurried to correct himself when Spider-Man - 

[ _We really need to get his actual name so we can stop referring to him like that.]_

\- startled. “No, it’s fine! In fact, I kind of wanted to invite you here sometime - y’know, meet Weas and all the others - but I wasn’t sure you’d be okay with it. It’s not exactly the kind of place you usually hang out.”

Spider-Man’s brow uncreased, his face settling into a small smile. “It’s fine, ‘Pool. I can see why you like it. It certainly has… some kind of charm,” he said, glancing around at the bar. Then he paused, and the frown came back. “Uh, ‘Pool?”

“Yes, baby boy?” Deadpool asked, tensing as well as he felt - because of course his arm was still over Spider-Man’s shoulders because he was an idiot who constantly forgot about personal space - Spidey shift as if getting ready to move.

“Is it usually this quiet?”

Wade froze for a moment as he finally registered what had freaked Spidey out. Silence. Absolute dead silence. In a bar where the noise level usually ranged from “enough chatter you couldn’t easily be overheard” to “a fight to the death with cheering, with a high chance of guns being involved”. 

Dropping his arm from Spider-Man’s shoulders so he could reach his weapons easily if necessary, Wade whipped around to quickly analyse the room. Unfortunately, the sight that met him didn’t necessitate shooting anyone.

Everyone in the bar was frozen as if paused, all of them staring at Deadpool and Spider-Man (not that they knew that was who it was!) with varying expressions of shock and disbelief.

“Uh, what happened?” Spidey asked from beside Wade, having spun on his chair to stare at the room too. 

A noise behind the bar made Wade jump and turn back around. It was just Weasel though, carefully placing the glass he had been cleaning down behind the bar. “Wade,” he drawled, one eyebrow raised, “who the fuck is that and why the fuck did they kiss you?”

Spider-Man started coughing, apparently surprised enough by Weasel’s comment to choke on his own spit. Wade stared at Weasel for a moment then turned to stare at everyone in the room, then turned back to Weasel. “Are you telling me all you fuckers just had a collective heart attack because someone _kissed me on the cheek?”_

_[If only it was more than that…]_

**[Us? Getting anything more than that? From SPIDER-MAN?? Keep dreaming, idiot.]**

“Wade,” Weasel said again, his voice getting more serious. He was also inching towards where he kept the nearest hidden gun, and that made Deadpool bristle. Nobody was shooting Spider-Man if he could do something about it!

Turning to face the room, Wade plastered a grin on his face and slung his arm around Spidey again. The web-slinger glanced up at him, obviously confused, but Wade just focused on the motley crowd who were starting to come back to life. And probably getting _ideas_ that Deadpool needed to nip in the bud, right now.

“ _This_ ,” Wade exclaimed, raising his voice so it would echo around the whole bar, “is _my_ baby boy. Now, he could kick _all_ your asses if he wanted to, and I’d kind of like to see it. _However_ , I would rather he didn’t have to. So, we’re all going to be nice and polite and nobody is going to go after him, or they’re going to deal with _me._ ” His voice had dropped to a growl by the end, the grin disappearing, and he could see the message sinking in. His head turned for the last part, his gaze boring directly into Weasel’s eyes though his voice was still raised enough to reach the entire room. “ _Got it?”_

Muttered agreement rose from around the room, and after a moment the crowd started to look away, going back to what they were doing before. Weasel took an extra couple of seconds, staring back at Deadpool unflinchingly before he dramatically threw up his hands in defeat and turned away to fuss with something on the back wall. 

There was a huff of laughter from beside Wade, and he turned to stare down at a very amused-looking Spidey, still caught under Deadpool’s arm.

“I can see why you like this place,” he teased. “How high do they jump when you ask?”

Wade grinned, his mood abruptly switching back to positive now that the threat was gone. “Depends, really. Though he doesn’t look it, Weasel is quite good at jumping. The others though…”

Spider-Man laughed again, and there was a twinkle in his eye that Deadpool hoped meant he had caught the hint. 

“Well, the guy I’m looking for isn’t here,” Spider-Man started, “and it’s way past dinner time, so what do you say we blow this popsicle stand and go get tacos?” He grinned as Wade cheered, immediately turning them towards the door. “I don’t know this area well though, so you’ll have to recommend a place.”

“Ohh, I know just the place, baby boy!” Wade exclaimed, grabbing Spidey’s backpack from where it was resting against the bar and slinging it over his own shoulder. “They have the best tacos but mm, the enchiladas. Those are to die for! Not that I can die, of course, but--”

* * *

Hours later, after they had both eaten all the Mexican food they could stand and had escaped to a rooftop to look over the city, Spider-Man turned to look at Deadpool, a small smile on his face and said: 

“Peter.”

“What?” Deadpool replied, his brain stalling.

 _[Is that…???]_

Spider-Man’s lips quirked up into a wider grin. “My name, it’s Peter. I’m not sure when you would use it considering where we usually meet but I figured you know my face now so you might as well know my name too.”

_[O.M.G.]_

**[Oh no.]**

_[SPIDER-MAN’S NAME IS PETER???]_

**[Please shut up.]**

_[AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA--]_

Amongst Yellow’s screaming and White’s complaining, Wade somehow found the brain cells to stick out a hand and string together a response. “Wade. I mean, my name is Wade. Wilson. Wade Wilson.”

Spide-Man - _Peter!_ \- reached out to grasp his hand, his grip sure and strong as they shook. “Nice to meet you, Wade.”

_[WE SHOOK SPIDEY’S HAND THIS IS AMAZING I CAN’T EVEN--]_

**[Aaand I’m out. See ya!]**


End file.
